Thanks

I want to make the effort to thank all of you for your support and kind words of encouragement. I should be used to this by now after dealing with it for a very constant ten years. For some reason, it isn’t like a disease where you can take a pill and find a quick fix. God know I wish it were! Until this recent downward spiral, though, I managed to have more up days than down. And yes, I do know there are many more medications on the market and available. I have such a history of allergic reactions to various drugs, it makes me hesitant to venture into the world of the unknown. Vicki (Sis) has always been a brave soul, leading the pack into danger with no thought to consequences. I, on the other hand, was and am a cautious individual, thinking of the penalty before the action is even completed. I am too housebound, that much I know. And it isn’t fear that makes me stay home, it is apathy. I simply have no desire to step-foot out into the world. There are few places I want to go, even fewer people I care to visit or talk to. I have hardly one friend and, sad to say, my two teenage children and their friends are about the only human contact I have. How did I get this way?? I used to be vivacious and outgoing, with a bubbly sense of the hilarious that turned the world on it’s ear. Somehow, in thirty years of a problematic marriage and raising four children, I have lost myself. I don’t know how to “find” me again, but I am willing to make the effort. More than willing, eager! I have managed to do better the past two days and you can all pat me on the back. I ventured to the new Wal-Mart last night with my daughter and without a specific purchase I simply “HAD” to make. It was refreshingly enjoyable for me and even my very own idea. She was remarkably well behaved ( and she is 18, not a baby, although she has been know to act the part) and we even got along very well. Of Course, it could be that I was spending my carefully hoarded money on make-up for her, but that isn’t the point. I did it, I enjoyed it, and I plan to do it again. And if you really knew me you would know that I hate to shop! Tonight, I cleaned my fish tank, which doesn’t sound too bad. But this is a 59 gallon tank and the 4 fish in it are Paku, a cousin of the Piranha. These fish weigh at least five pounds each and are as wide as a dinner plate. Cleaning their tank is a major undertaking and even though the water they were in was the dark green color of a murky, dank cesspool, I had neglected to clean it for months on end (I am not even sure I have cleaned it since Mom died last June, now I think back). With the help of our least sister, Lana, we accomplished it in a little under two hours. I woke up a full two hours earlier than my norm and even sat up all day; not once have I laid on the couch. That in it’s self is a major accomplishment for me. I am trying to overcome this. And somehow I will. Maybe not tomorrow or even the next day. But at some point, life has to have meaning again. If not, there isn’t a lot of point, is there?