Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Missing Mom

It has been a year today that my Mom died. A year that has been filled with pain and heartache and loss for my entire family. Grief, stubbornness, protectiveness and anger has torn what is left of my family apart.
For two years, we had no choice but to watch our Mom slowly wither away, dieing a bit each day; little by little she slipped farther and farther away from us. No matter how we prayed, what we did to help, she just gradually eased away into God’s hands. And goodness knows, if I had the power to restore her to us, I wouldn’t dream of it. Returning her to the suffering she underwent and the anguish we suffered while she endured it would be more than we could bear. Where she is now, she knows no pain, and for me personally, I know that she is in a far better place.
Dealing with Daddy after Mom died was tough on all of us. We couldn’t give in to our grief, because we had to take care of him. For Mom, he was the center of her universe, and once she could no longer care for him, us girls did. Some more than others, time, money, jobs and distance being what they are, nothing is equal. But, all in all, we did what we could when we could. That is all anyone can ask, and certainly all our parents asked of us.
Then come April, we lost Daddy - he was gone in the blink of an eye. We lost both parents in ten months. My family has been blown apart. Grief is a strange emotion - so much pain; so much anger - total helplessness and a lack of control. Human beings do not deal well with any of these and my family is no different. With the anger, people lash out, causing pain and hard feelings. And god knows me and my sisters are some of the most stubborn people ever to grace this earth. Greed is maybe a big part of it - not that I don’t want something to remember them by. We could lose it all, every piece of property, every possession, and I would still have my memories. No one can take them from me. Those are mine, precious thoughts to brighten my days and warm my heart.
I wish I could fix what is broken in our family. I miss the team effort, the sharing and caring we always had no matter who was mad. We knew we could depend on one another, regardless. What should have brought us closer together has driven us apart. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I should even make the effort. For what it’s worth - Happy Birthday Sis. I love you. I love all of you - no matter what.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005


My dear Sister Vicki has tagged me with this, this MEME thingy. And then did me the kindness to call and inform me that she did it. Ah well, here goes nothin. Been a while since I put any thought into anything more than getting thru each day. We'll see how it goes.

The rules:Remove the #1 item from the following list, bump everyone up one place and add your blog's name in the #5 spot. You need to link to actually link to each of the blogs for the link-whorage aspect of this fiendish meme to kick in.

1. Fistful of Fortnights
2. Feisty Repartee
3. Lollygaggin
4. Junebugg
5. Lifedroppings

1. I miss wading thru the creek barefoot, dodging sharp rocks and snakes; attempting to catch minnows by hand; cool clear water flowing over and between my toes on a hot summer day.
2. I miss Mama, she was my best friend, my confident, my release valve when life got to be too much. She was there, always.
3. I miss the carefree days of childhood, days when, once chores were done, allowed a freedom from life's stresses and cares that I will never again have.
4. I miss the love of my family, the acceptance and caring that were unconditional. The feeling of belonging and rightness of being part of a group held together by friendship and respect.
5. I miss walking barefoot behind Daddy's plow as he cultivated the garden early in the spring, soft, cool red clay covering my feet as the plow tore the hard crust from the soil. I even miss him yelling at me to not mess up his rows and having to plant tomatoes from only ONE side of the row else the row would be crooked.

I Tag:
1. Compleat Redneck
2. War Liberal
4. The Dissident frogman
5. Redneckin